By Ben Gates
Famed UCLA alumnus, Oscar-winning actor and internet sensation, Nicolas Cage has reportedly become a tenured professor at the UCLA Department of American History. According to Mr. Cage, negotiations began before the release of Ghost Rider 2, and while they died down shortly after, Cage was able to offer ample evidence of his knowledge and expertise for the role.
In an insightful interview with the actor, Cage said “I went to considerable lengths to perfect my roles in both the National Treasure movies, staying in character for longer than I should have. After I stole… I’m sorry – reviewed, the Declaration of Independence and went on my trip down to Boston, I gained a considerable amount of knowledge about several presidents, and looking at the all-seeing eye gave me new insights that I would like to share as a professor.”
He added, “As a professor, I feel that I will be able to deliver both a HEAVILY ENTERTAINING AND INSIGHTFUL lecture, with knowledge and facts from a viewpoint that is absurd and fictional, yet somehow revealing of what happened back then. The producer, famed historian Jerry Bruckheimer, will also occasionally join in.”
After returning from a violent fit with the interviewer’s assistant, where he threw a chair at the assistant and later bought the chair for $400,000, Mr. Cage came back to discuss his long-term plans. “I plan to create an environment where students get a well-rounded, deep and enriched view of what the history of the US is like. And I’m going to make origami with the Declaration Of Independence.”