By Bianca Alba
The Covel dining hall had recently announced its decision to remove any chocolate froyo and ice cream dispensers all over and replace them with strawberry instead. This decision has caused an uproar from student groups all across campus, including various diversity groups.
Sam Joe Watson, president of activist campus group Mouthful Justice Warlords, remarked “This is beyond unacceptable. These people are literally the worst people that humanity has ever witnessed in their entirety. We here in this group aim to promote a very accepting and universal environment that tolerates any person of any kind or viewpoint, and we think that the people in charge of this decision should get the fuck off of our campus.” Sam was earlier seeing streaking naked near Covel with Hershey’s Chocolate syrup on himself, in an apparent peaceful demonstration.
Famed UCLA law professor Cranberry Coleslaw, a noted Na’vi rights advocate, made a statement on the controversy, in which she discussed how Covel “earlier attempted to marginalize Na’vi communities by playing Avatar and calling it fiction, and removing blueberry desserts from their menu. As a chocoloving non-sprinkles flavorist, I am ashamed at the discrimination that the flavor has faced. I cannot comment on the strawberry flavor as it is also a minority on campus, but I am surprised that the vanilla flavor is still allowed all of its privilege without question here. The struggle is evidently still going on.”
The move drew particular ire from campus political party Let’s Snack, whose spokesperson Goli Falooda commented, “This is a disgrace on all counts. They have only one station serving green tea ice cream, and even that one’s in Feast! And they don’t even have any horchata flavored ice cream. This does not in any sense promote an inclusive environment at our campus.” Goli has been one of several student leaders pressuring Covel to serve chocolate milk instead of plain white milk.
Bianca Alba is a first-year from Italy whose favorite gelato flavor is vanilla.
By Edazin Tadop
A new GE offered by the Mathematics department at UCLA, “Math 8: Basic math” has garnered considerable attention among the student community, with a majority of praise directed towards its thought-provoking course material.
The GE, taught by Prof. Ari Thmetic, has focused primarily on topics like basic algebra and mathematical inequalities. It has filled up very quickly, and by virtue of its immense popularity it has united students from nearly all majors.
Carlos Marcus, a freshman sociology major, said on the class: “The lectures on inequalities had taught me something very fundamental. Why should 2 be equal to itself? Why should 6 and 3 be greater than 2, but not 2 and 3 be greater than 6? I took this class and I don’t regret it, because it raises very important questions.”
Bertrand Muscle, a second-year philosophy major on a sports scholarship, remarked, “A question on the midterm read ‘3x = 2x + 1, what is x.’ That to me is what is the beauty of this class, you get to question identities, you get to look at x from both sides of the equation, none of that pretentious ‘Find X’ bullshit that UChicago asks in its admission essays either. This has taught me a lot about life, lessons such as ‘Everything is variable.’ And that’s the true meaning of Christmas.”
Prauc Tiqualle, a junior transfer mechanical engineering student, however openly expressed disdain with regards to the class. “If Johnny has two apples and he buys three more- firstly why be a greedy fuck and buy three more? Eat what you have first, you fat hungry dumbass! And what is it with Jimmy buying 60 watermelons? Who in the hell buys 60 watermelons? Are you looking at a Guinness World Record, or are you a watermelon juice-selling company? This makes no sense to me.” Prauc had reportedly failed a midterm when he was caught asking for scratch paper.
By Ross Hambo
An art exhibit titled “The Game” has attracted considerable attention at the Hammer Museum for its examination of how player approach and perceive the popular game Rock Paper Scissors.
The exhibit is a white box with a transparent lid, and two holes on opposite sides. On the base, there are two signs: “No lizard, no Spock.” and “You lost.” against a white-grey background of rocks, papers and scissors. Visitors are invited to participate by placing their hands through the holes and playing a round of the game against other visitors.
There have been long lines at the exhibit, with reactions ranging from “This really made me think about my decisions in the game, my education at UCLA, my relationship and my life” and “Highly insightful about the thought process of a competitive mind” to “FUCKING HELL WHY DOES MY OPPONENT ALWAYS PICK ROCK?!” and “I want my money back!”
There has been a lot of speculation as to what the exhibit actually means, and while some have considered it to be “an introspective look at how people decide and react to other people’s decisions”, others have looked at it as a subtle attempt at trickery. A visitor was reported being dragged out by the museum security for throwing a tantrum while repeatedly screaming “YOU FUCKERS, YOU MADE ME LOSE THE GAME! I’VE TRIED NOT TO THINK OF IT FOR EIGHT MONTHS NOW!”
By Ivana Gouda DeBafroume
On Monday, tens of art students, both graduate and undergraduate, as well as several patrons were gathered around a sign saying “Restroom upstairs to the right”, surrounded by a layer of masking tape, mistakenly believing that the sign is a newly installed modern art piece.
The confusion was addressed by a museum staff member, Kip Delavy, who mentioned that two signs that had to be installed were accidentally switched, and had to be switched back. “We’ve tried making the repair as inconspicuous as possible, but apparently the Streisand Effect took over and now it’s the center of attention.”
Indeed, the piece was a center of attention – an estimated 70 comments were left, some giving overwhelmingly positive reviews for its commentary on rules and structure in society, others saying it feels like a mere pop-art echo of other great avant-garde works such as Duchamp’s Fountain.
A professor of the art department, Dr. Hardy Lanow, has even controversially assigned a term essay on the sign, which is currently being graded. The only graded paper so far is of a student who had written “Maybe the building manager just accidentally switched the signs”; this paper received an F.
By Fo Sait
In a remarkable instance of preparedness, an excited student at UCLA, Steve Limburger, created a group for the Class of 2025.
Steve added members from the ‘15, ‘16, ‘17 and ‘18 classes. When asked why, he said “So we can collectively answer questions of prospective students, including those who are currently in the 7th grade! Plus, years from now we can sell those books that we’ve been meaning to sell during all of our time as undergraduates, when the time comes.”
Steve’s group is the first of what is now several groups competing to attract the most members, the other groups being “2025 Class”, “OFFICIAL CLASS OF 2025” and “2025 GROUP PLEASE JOIN!!! :)”
His group now has 850 members, even though they will have to wait for about 6 years for actual members to come in.
By Ets Bindun
In an attempt to cash on the popularity of a forgotten fad, and to help raise awareness for a debilitating disease that the fad already did – the famed UCLA Bruin Bear has been given a makeover – turning it into the Polar Bear.
A thick layer of convincing off-white hard-to-remove paint has been given to the iconic statue that has been a representative symbol of the college since its arrival on campus. Various attempts have been made to defame the Bruin Bear after the makeover, with the most popular type of vandalism being puns on ice: early last week, a statue of iconic Batman villain Mr. Freeze was found near the Bruin Bear, with a sign in his hand saying “Stay cool.” The move has been met with negative reception – junior global studies major Summer Winters said on the change: “This is just not a good move, it’s stupid and more overdone than those Batman and Robin puns. It stands for a- wait, I meant to say good cause- WAIT! I CAN EXPLAIN! I WASN’T DISSING ALS- DON’T TAKE ME AWAY, YOU CAN’T DO THIS!“
As the Ice Bucket Challenge has been considered long-dead, numerous people have expressed concern on the restoration of the statue, considering the difficulty involved in scraping the particular type of paint applied to the bear. Earlier a student who reportedly attempted to paint the bear with a slightly deeper shade of brown was denounced by student groups as “racist scum” and “Go party at Sig Ep!”
A spokesperson of the Meme-Affected Statue Restoration Committee has announced that it plans to implement a solution at the end of this week, even though she said that the solutions discussed at the meeting were all met with mixed reception. She was quoted as saying “One of the board members even said, ‘How about if Pauley floods again?’ ”
By Daiva Sitee
Amidst much controversy surrounding their ‘Kanye Western’ party, the Sig Ep chapter of UCLA has decided to hire famed director Spike Lee for their next recruitment video.
“We want to follow in the footsteps of the Alabama Alpha Phi recruitment video”, mentioned chapter spokesperson Cawkay Sienne. “Although misconceptions plague our fraternity, we do not have just one token black member”, said Sienne, “but two. A lot of people would think that this entire party is a subtle jab at the 1986 movie Soul Man, but that is yet another misconception – it was our inspiration!”
When told about the similarities of the fiasco to the 2014 film Dear White People, Sienne said “We know and love that movie! That’s why four of our members dressed as characters from it.”
Regarding the choice of the director, Sienne said “Mr. Lee has done films like Oldboy and The 25th Hour, which feature white leads. We think a director with that ability would be able to accurately capture our fraternity’s goals and values. I trust him to do the right thing!”