Prospective kindergartner already declared for hopscotch draft

By Jim Quora

Early reports have confirmed that 4-year old, 4’2” Kevin Baloney has already been declared for the 2016-2017 Hopscotch Draft at UCLA. Sources say that Coach Ben Howling had openly expressed his strong support for Kevin’s place on the team.

“Some might consider this an early decision, but I feel that it was now or never with a gold player like this,” said Mr. Howling. “Kevin displays an incredible amount of energy and spirit, and I strongly believe he would make a great addition. He can jump long and wide, clear the hopscotch track fast and still maintain his composure. We need him for this team.”

With regards to his education, Mr. Howling responded, “We’re offering Kevin a full sports scholarship. He’s smart – he knows how to spell ‘University Of California, Los Angeles’ without a single error, so he’ll do fine.” Mr. Howling later revealed that Kevin would be enrolled next fall and would have to take courses such as Math 31A and Eng Comp 3.
It was revealed that Kevin was originally considered for the UCLA Hide And Seek draft. A spokesperson commented, “Kevin was originally up for that, but we felt his forte was more toward hopscotch. We’re still looking for the last person on our team, however – he’s that good.”


Nicolas Cage becomes professor at UCLA Department of American History

By Ben Gates

Famed UCLA alumnus, Oscar-winning actor and internet sensation, Nicolas Cage has reportedly become a tenured professor at the UCLA Department of American History. According to Mr. Cage, negotiations began before the release of Ghost Rider 2, and while they died down shortly after, Cage was able to offer ample evidence of his knowledge and expertise for the role.

In an insightful interview with the actor, Cage said “I went to considerable lengths to perfect my roles in both the National Treasure movies, staying in character for longer than I should have. After I stole… I’m sorry – reviewed, the Declaration of Independence and went on my trip down to Boston, I gained a considerable amount of knowledge about several presidents, and looking at the all-seeing eye gave me new insights that I would like to share as a professor.”

He added, “As a professor, I feel that I will be able to deliver both a HEAVILY ENTERTAINING AND INSIGHTFUL lecture, with knowledge and facts from a viewpoint that is absurd and fictional, yet somehow revealing of what happened back then. The producer, famed historian Jerry Bruckheimer, will also occasionally join in.”

After returning from a violent fit with the interviewer’s assistant, where he threw a chair at the assistant and later bought the chair for $400,000, Mr. Cage came back to discuss his long-term plans. “I plan to create an environment where students get a well-rounded, deep and enriched view of what the history of the US is like. And I’m going to make origami with the Declaration Of Independence.”