Covel eliminates chocolate froyo and ice cream, generates controversy from groups across campus

By Bianca Alba

The Covel dining hall had recently announced its decision to remove any chocolate froyo and ice cream dispensers all over and replace them with strawberry instead. This decision has caused an uproar from student groups all across campus, including various diversity groups.

Sam Joe Watson, president of activist campus group Mouthful Justice Warlords, remarked “This is beyond unacceptable. These people are literally the worst people that humanity has ever witnessed in their entirety. We here in this group aim to promote a very accepting and universal environment that tolerates any person of any kind or viewpoint, and we think that the people in charge of this decision should get the fuck off of our campus.” Sam was earlier seeing streaking naked near Covel with Hershey’s Chocolate syrup on himself, in an apparent peaceful demonstration.

Famed UCLA law professor Cranberry Coleslaw, a noted Na’vi rights advocate, made a statement on the controversy, in which she discussed how Covel “earlier attempted to marginalize Na’vi communities by playing Avatar and calling it fiction, and removing blueberry desserts from their menu. As a chocoloving non-sprinkles flavorist, I am ashamed at the discrimination that the flavor has faced. I cannot comment on the strawberry flavor as it is also a minority on campus, but I am surprised that the vanilla flavor is still allowed all of its privilege without question here. The struggle is evidently still going on.”

The move drew particular ire from campus political party Let’s Snack, whose spokesperson Goli Falooda commented, “This is a disgrace on all counts. They have only one station serving green tea ice cream, and even that one’s in Feast! And they don’t even have any horchata flavored ice cream. This does not in any sense promote an inclusive environment at our campus.” Goli has been one of several student leaders pressuring Covel to serve chocolate milk instead of plain white milk.

Bianca Alba is a first-year from Italy whose favorite gelato flavor is vanilla.

Prospective kindergartner already declared for hopscotch draft

By Jim Quora

Early reports have confirmed that 4-year old, 4’2” Kevin Baloney has already been declared for the 2016-2017 Hopscotch Draft at UCLA. Sources say that Coach Ben Howling had openly expressed his strong support for Kevin’s place on the team.

“Some might consider this an early decision, but I feel that it was now or never with a gold player like this,” said Mr. Howling. “Kevin displays an incredible amount of energy and spirit, and I strongly believe he would make a great addition. He can jump long and wide, clear the hopscotch track fast and still maintain his composure. We need him for this team.”

With regards to his education, Mr. Howling responded, “We’re offering Kevin a full sports scholarship. He’s smart – he knows how to spell ‘University Of California, Los Angeles’ without a single error, so he’ll do fine.” Mr. Howling later revealed that Kevin would be enrolled next fall and would have to take courses such as Math 31A and Eng Comp 3.
It was revealed that Kevin was originally considered for the UCLA Hide And Seek draft. A spokesperson commented, “Kevin was originally up for that, but we felt his forte was more toward hopscotch. We’re still looking for the last person on our team, however – he’s that good.”

Basic math course inspires passions and debate among students

By Edazin Tadop

A new GE offered by the Mathematics department at UCLA, “Math 8: Basic math” has garnered considerable attention among the student community, with a majority of praise directed towards its thought-provoking course material.

The GE, taught by Prof. Ari Thmetic, has focused primarily on topics like basic algebra and mathematical inequalities. It has filled up very quickly, and by virtue of its immense popularity it has united students from nearly all majors.

Carlos Marcus, a freshman sociology major, said on the class: “The lectures on inequalities had taught me something very fundamental. Why should 2 be equal to itself? Why should 6 and 3 be greater than 2, but not 2 and 3 be greater than 6? I took this class and I don’t regret it, because it raises very important questions.”

Bertrand Muscle, a second-year philosophy major on a sports scholarship, remarked, “A question on the midterm read ‘3x = 2x + 1, what is x.’ That to me is what is the beauty of this class, you get to question identities, you get to look at x from both sides of the equation, none of that pretentious ‘Find X’ bullshit that UChicago asks in its admission essays either. This has taught me a lot about life, lessons such as ‘Everything is variable.’ And that’s the true meaning of Christmas.”

Prauc Tiqualle, a junior transfer mechanical engineering student, however openly expressed disdain with regards to the class. “If Johnny has two apples and he buys three more- firstly why be a greedy fuck and buy three more? Eat what you have first, you fat hungry dumbass! And what is it with Jimmy buying 60 watermelons? Who in the hell buys 60 watermelons? Are you looking at a Guinness World Record, or are you a watermelon juice-selling company? This makes no sense to me.” Prauc had reportedly failed a midterm when he was caught asking for scratch paper.

Art exhibit aims to challenge viewers’ perceptions of rock, paper and scissors.

By Ross Hambo

An art exhibit titled “The Game” has attracted considerable attention at the Hammer Museum for its examination of how player approach and perceive the popular game Rock Paper Scissors.

The exhibit is a white box with a transparent lid, and two holes on opposite sides. On the base, there are two signs: “No lizard, no Spock.” and “You lost.” against a white-grey background of rocks, papers and scissors. Visitors are invited to participate by placing their hands through the holes and playing a round of the game against other visitors.

There have been long lines at the exhibit, with reactions ranging from “This really made me think about my decisions in the game, my education at UCLA, my relationship and my life” and “Highly insightful about the thought process of a competitive mind” to “FUCKING HELL WHY DOES MY OPPONENT ALWAYS PICK ROCK?!” and “I want my money back!”

There has been a lot of speculation as to what the exhibit actually means, and while some have considered it to be “an introspective look at how people decide and react to other people’s decisions”, others have looked at it as a subtle attempt at trickery. A visitor was reported being dragged out by the museum security for throwing a tantrum while repeatedly screaming “YOU FUCKERS, YOU MADE ME LOSE THE GAME! I’VE TRIED NOT TO THINK OF IT FOR EIGHT MONTHS NOW!”

Nicolas Cage becomes professor at UCLA Department of American History

By Ben Gates

Famed UCLA alumnus, Oscar-winning actor and internet sensation, Nicolas Cage has reportedly become a tenured professor at the UCLA Department of American History. According to Mr. Cage, negotiations began before the release of Ghost Rider 2, and while they died down shortly after, Cage was able to offer ample evidence of his knowledge and expertise for the role.

In an insightful interview with the actor, Cage said “I went to considerable lengths to perfect my roles in both the National Treasure movies, staying in character for longer than I should have. After I stole… I’m sorry – reviewed, the Declaration of Independence and went on my trip down to Boston, I gained a considerable amount of knowledge about several presidents, and looking at the all-seeing eye gave me new insights that I would like to share as a professor.”

He added, “As a professor, I feel that I will be able to deliver both a HEAVILY ENTERTAINING AND INSIGHTFUL lecture, with knowledge and facts from a viewpoint that is absurd and fictional, yet somehow revealing of what happened back then. The producer, famed historian Jerry Bruckheimer, will also occasionally join in.”

After returning from a violent fit with the interviewer’s assistant, where he threw a chair at the assistant and later bought the chair for $400,000, Mr. Cage came back to discuss his long-term plans. “I plan to create an environment where students get a well-rounded, deep and enriched view of what the history of the US is like. And I’m going to make origami with the Declaration Of Independence.”

At The Career Fair

By Batrick Pateman

Oh, fuck. They’re here too. If staying in this suit on a day like this wasn’t pissing me off enough, they come along and butt into the line. “Oh hey, Vincent! Good to see you here too, Melvin.”

“Forgetting the guy who’s gonna get the job, Victor?”

“Oh fuck off, Fletcher”, I say, confidently. The air-conditioning has eased me into my suit.

“Is that Adrian at the front of you? He seems to be hitting it off pretty well with the interviewer.”

I turn around. It’s Adrian, four spots ahead of me. I’m shocked. He’s doing so well, the interviewer even firmly shook his hand. He’s smiling with genuine confidence, shit. I need to regain my composure after that brief moment of instability. This is very unlike me. He’s pulling out his resume as she watches. She’s even marking the resume and placing it in a separate pile- wait–

“Victor? Did you see that resume?” Vincent is visibly impressed, that lousy schmuck has barely any taste.

“Yeah, I saw that she-”

“It looked pretty impressive.”

“It’s just Arial on printer paper, and the formatting’s mediocre at best. Wait till you see mine.”

I pull out my resume from my black, tant paper file (Burberry, $10), and hand it to Vincent. I try to act casual about it, but I smile proudly. “Picked them up from the printer’s this morning.” Vincent and Melvin study the resume closely. “Good formatting!” Vincent remarks. The paper is sharp. I hope he gets a papercut.

“That texture’s Nouveau, and the font is called Georgia Lite. Bumped the margins to 1.75”, 2” and 2.25”. Black bullets, 2 millimeters wide.”

“Georgia lite?”

“Yeah. Not bad, huh?”

“It is very cool, Victor,” Vincent says guardedly, that jealous bastard, “but wait till you see this.” He whips out his resume.

We all lean over to see Vincent’s resume. Melvin quietly responds, “Very nice.” A brief spasm of jealousy courses through me when I notice the elegance of the formatting and the type. I feel it, and its texture seems so luring. Looks like would give him some good papercuts as well.

“Garamond, 99% black text color. The texture is silky matte. What do you think?”

Good, that’s nice,” I croak, but manage to wring out an approving nod.

“Jesus,” Melvin says, holding the resume up to the sunlight. “This is super. How’d a nitwit like you get so tasteful?”  I’m looking at Vincent’s resume and then at mine. I cannot believe that Melvin likes his resume more than mine. Dizzy, I take a sip from my water bottle. Vincent is adjusting his tie. Is he nervous? That tie would make for a good noose.

“But wait,” Melvin says. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet…” He pulls his out of an inside coat pocket and slowly, dramatically turns it over for our inspection and says, “Mine.” The pompous shithead shoves it in just enough for the resume to shift away my fountain pen (Waterman Hemisphere, $47), which was perfectly positioned in my coat pocket. I am simmering with rage, I am boiling with the desire to stab him in the face, square in the eye, with that pen. But I must calm down – there are other important things to worry about. I’m getting bogged down in petty matters.

I direct my mind to the resume. Vincent looks over it in detail, and Fletcher peeks at it. Even I have to admit it’s magnificent. It’s so clear, so well-formatted and aligned. It’s taking me to pieces.

Suddenly the booth seems far away, hushed, the noise distant, a meaningless hum, compared to this resume, and we all hear Melvin’s words: “Century Gothic. The template used was Upfront.” “Holy shit,” Vincent exclaims. “I’ve never seen…”

Nice, very nice,” I have to admit, as I slightly adjust my coat and my pen. “But wait. Let’s see Fletcher’s.

Melvin pulls it out and though he’s acting nonchalant, I don’t see how he can ignore its subtle linen texture, its tasteful thickness and smell. The Versace perfume that I had dabbed on myself is starting to wear off. I am unexpectedly depressed that I started this.

I pick up Fletcher’s resume and let the sensation – that the paper gives off to the pads of my fingers – sink in, it’s orgasmic.The paper is crisp, and sharp, as sharp as the new knife that I had bought earlier this week. A beautiful subtle chrome, with a delicate sheen.

“Nice, huh?” Melvin’s tone suggests he realizes I’m jealous. “Yeah,” I say offhandedly, giving Melvin the resume like I don’t give a shit, but I’m finding it hard to swallow.

I’m paying Fletcher a visit this evening, I need to show him my new knife.

A response to our sign from a Pastafarian

Below is the letter we received from devout Pastafarian, Micah Cliffe:

Hello mateys!

As the subject of this email is, I am offended by the sign posted on Bruin walk today (attached). You see, I am an ordained minister in the Church of His Noodly Appendages, and this flyer is blatantly incorrect, if not hateful.

I study the holy writings in the Loose Canon, and The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster does not have a hell in which to burn.

” Q: If there’s a Beer Volcano and a Stripper Factory in Heaven, what’s FSM Hell like?
A: We’re not entirely certain, but we imagine it’s similar to FSM Heaven, only the beer is stale and the strippers have venereal diseases. Not unlike Las Vagas.”

Please do not give the impression that Pastafarians are a hateful group. We just want to eat some Italian food and sail the seas as pirates.

Ramen

Here is the sign in question:

10348357_860388857335033_7070790575175817134_n - Copy

Pictured: devout Pastafarian Micah Cliffe

The Bruin Roast would like to apologize for offending Micah and any other Pastafarians, and are in reverence of His Noodly Appendages.